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Dear Annie,

A concerned reader writes in about a difficult situation involving her daughter's request for help with a move and its impact on her husband's health. Is it reasonable to expect a nearly 30-year-old to handle a move independently, or should family always lend a hand? Read on for Annie's advice and a discussion of boundaries, responsibility, and prioritizing health.

Dear Used Up,

You're absolutely right to feel uneasy. It's not unreasonable to be concerned when your daughter's request puts your husband's well-being at risk. At nearly 30 years old, your daughter is well past the age where relying on her parents for such tasks is appropriate. She’s capable of managing a move on her own, and if she requires assistance, hiring professionals is the sensible solution.

The crux of the problem, as you’ve rightly identified, lies in your husband's willingness to consistently say “yes.” This pattern of acquiescence enables your daughter's behavior and prevents her from developing the necessary independence and responsibility. It's a cycle that needs to be broken, and it’s crucial for your husband’s health and well-being.

Think about the potential consequences. Your husband's health is already fragile. Exerting himself physically to assist with a move could exacerbate existing conditions and lead to serious complications. Is a few hours of her time and effort really worth jeopardizing his health?

Here’s what you can do:

• Have an honest conversation with your husband: Explain your concerns about his health and how repeatedly agreeing to her requests is detrimental. Frame it as a matter of protecting his well-being, not criticizing your daughter.
• Encourage him to set boundaries: He needs to learn to say “no” without feeling guilty. Suggest phrases like, “I’m not able to help with that right now, but I’m happy to help you find professional movers,” or “I need to prioritize my health, so I won’t be able to assist with the move.”
• Support his decisions: When he does say “no,” stand by him and don’t undermine his choice. Your daughter may be upset, but it’s important to demonstrate that his health is the priority.
• Consider family counseling: If the situation is particularly strained, a therapist can help facilitate communication and establish healthier boundaries.

Ultimately, your daughter needs to understand that she is responsible for her own life and choices. Enabling her dependence is not a form of love; it’s hindering her growth. Prioritize your husband's health, and encourage both your husband and daughter to embrace independence and responsibility.

Sincerely,

Annie